Do You Want a Divorce or Conscious Uncoupling?
While researching our topic, conscious uncoupling, I told Debi Rossouw, owner and founder of Chi Chi’s Wellness Retreats and MindSpa, that this was not my experience with divorce. Debi believes that while conscious uncoupling is ideal, most divorcees struggle to accomplish it.
This could be due to the fact that few people are not adequately informed about conscious uncoupling. Had I known about it, I would have taken this route.
I believe we do our best with the information we have, which is why educating you, our precious reader, is so important to us. We want to give you the tools and resources you need to navigate the complexities and challenges of life, including divorce, with as much grace and understanding as possible, allowing you to divorce with dignity and as little trauma as possible.
I’ll define conscious uncoupling in this article, offer some incredible therapies that are offered at our retreats and spa, and provide you with some tools and techniques to support you throughout the process of getting a separation or divorce—or even before you make your final decision.
My hope is to either help steer your marriage in a positive direction or, if not, to try divorce amicably, especially if you have minor children and to protect your mental health.
Please note that the below advice is not meant to replace your medical experts, psychologists, and psychiatrists, it’s simply an extra tool to use that will assist your journey of recovery and healing. It’s important to seek professional help and guidance during this difficult time.
What is conscious uncoupling?
Conscious uncoupling is a term used for a relatively amicable divorce. Gwyneth Paltrow popularised this term. Originally, the uncoupling theory was proposed by sociologist Diane Vaughan in 1976, but the term “conscious uncoupling” was created by psychotherapist and author Katherine Woodward Thomas.
Will conscious uncoupling prevent the pain of ending a relationship?
No, it will not, but it will assist in reducing emotional damage and trauma, especially if there are minor children involved.
Can you do conscious uncoupling with an addict or a person with a serious mental disorder?
Conscious uncoupling with an addict or a person with a serious mental disorder, is unlikely, but this would be the part where you would have to get a trained professional involved to assist.
You can learn more about Conscious Uncoupling here.
Advice from personal experience: Divorce with minor children
I divorced after nearly 13 years of marriage. There were two minor children involved, and I honestly would have done things differently if I had known what I know now. Debi and Chi Chi’s showed me things I had never considered.
The term that Katherine Woodward Thomas uses for her ex-husband is “wasband.” I quite like that. My “wasband” had his own trauma, hurts, and hangups that he brought into our relationship. The thing I would have done differently is to go for independent therapy and, after that, only pursue couple’s counselling.
However, we cannot change the past, so how will we navigate this complex co-parenting relationship going forward? I’m going to sit my “wasband” down and explain conscious uncoupling to him. Maybe he wants that too, because no matter what went wrong between us, we both love our children dearly, and we both do want the best for them.
If he refuses to work with me, all I can do is continue to improve myself and be the best parent and co-parent I can be. We are truly powerless to change others; we can and should only focus on growing ourselves.
A word of warning: The worst divorce advice ever
Before divorce and separation, I wrestled with whether I should stay or go. I kept looking at my then husband’s mistakes and irritations but didn’t give much attention to my own shortcomings, especially because I wasn’t the one who cheated.
After months of wrestling and becoming more negative, I went to seek counsel from a relationship coach, slash pastor, slash mediator. He said, “Marriage is hard, divorce is hard. Choose your hard.” Seriously, that was his answer, and I believed him. Honestly, that’s the worst advice anyone can ever give.
Let me provide some context, and then I will show you a better way, especially if you’re considering divorce when you have young children.
You see, what I’ve learned is that if you have young children and your husband isn’t physically, mentally or emotionally abusing you or has a sex addiction, or vice versa; if the children aren’t in danger, and if no one is actually in danger, divorce is more difficult than marriage.
Why? Because your divorce will not resolve your arguments or lack of intimacy. It will not resolve the issues. If anything, it will escalate it, and you must continue to learn to respect one another, communicate effectively, and resolve conflicts amicably for the sake of the children, so that the aftermath of divorce conflict does not have a greater negative impact on them than marriage conflict. In addition, you must do all of this while seeing your children far less, being allowed to see other people, and not living under the same roof for additional support and protection of your children. Perhaps it is best not to seek advice from people who have never divorced. (Please note this is my opinion as a writer, divorcee and coparent, I’m not a qualified therapist)
So let me step up for those misinformed-quoting-a-facebook-post counsellors, coaches, pastors, elders, etc. Mariage is hard. Divorce is harder when you have young children and need to communicate and see one another regularly. Work harder on your marriage. The benefits will be greater for your children, your spouse, and, ultimately, yourself, but what if that is not an option? The answer is the same whether or not you are married: you must work on resolving your own bad habits and behaviour patterns. To be honest, we all have flaws; I’ve never met a perfect human.
Better relationship advice:
My eyes were opened days after I separated from my ex-husband. I moved out and came to the realisation of two major things:
- I just halved the time I have with my children.
- I am also to blame.
I had one choice, and that was to make the best of a bad situation. Debi played a vital role in me moving forward and dealing with my grief, as well as trauma triggers, and possibly the hardest emotional journey I ever endeavoured.
So, the good advice is this:
Work on yourself, regardless of whether you are still married. You have no control over anyone else’s behaviour, so you must prioritise your own personal development. As cliche as it may sound, the healthier you are, the better you will be able to love those around you and care for your children.
In part 2 we provide self-care techniques to help you grow and we cover the following topics:
- Trauma Release Exercises and EMI Eye Movement Integration
- Mindfulness and Breath Work:
- Meditation
- Oxygen therapy
- Join a Recovery Support Group
- Start Moving
At Chichis, we help you find that balance—physically, mentally, emotionally, energetically, spiritually.
Read Part 2 of Divorce of Conscious Uncoupling here.
For accountability: This article was written by Johanita Jordaan in July 2024.