Please note that the below advice is not meant to replace your medical experts, psychologists, and psychiatrists, it’s simply an extra tool to use that will assist your journey of recovery and healing. It’s important to seek professional help and guidance during this difficult time.

Self-care techniques to help you grow:

I reiterate that these techniques can be used whether you are pre- or post-divorce. Focusing on changing and growing yourself will yield a different result. It will assist you in developing confidence, self-esteem, and coping with the various situations that will arise during your journey through life.

1. Trauma Release Exercises and EMI Eye Movement Integration:

TRE tension, trauma and anxiety release, and EMI eye movement integration after the event are very important to do as a therapy to release the trauma of divorce from the limbic brain and help the central nervous system stabilise into “safe and secure” mode and minimise PTSD type symptoms such as depression, anxiety, insomnia, irritability, moodiness, and a lack of joy and purpose.

I suggest you do at least 3–4 sessions with a TRE therapist before endeavouring to do it yourself.

There could be trauma releasing from your body that may require counselling from a qualified professional, so it’s safer to start this with a therapist who is qualified.

2. Mindfulness and Breath Work:

Qualified counsellor Jim Cress says that “mental health is a commitment to reality at all costs.”

We waste a tremendous amount of time living in the past or the future, but if we commit to living in the present, we can break the cycle of grief or a trauma trigger much faster.

Debi gave me the advice that it’s important to feel the emotion as it comes up, sit with it, realise where it’s coming from, and through guided breathwork, we can help release those uncomfortable emotions such as depression and anxiety, fear, anger, regret, shame, guilt, ruminating thoughts, etc.

All these types of “lower vibration” emotions are the opposite of God’s “high vibrational” unconditional love, pure forgiveness, and non-judgement.

These negative emotions are always the result of negative thoughts such as fear, not feeling worthy or that you deserve or are enough as you are or being taken care of in every way. Here’s where your unwavering faith comes in.

We must override the negative thoughts to create new neuropathways that override the old way of thinking, which will change the negative chemistry and pathways in the brain that these negative thoughts and emotions have caused. For every negative, fearful thought, look around to see what is going well for you. The chemistry of gratitude and faith is far stronger than that of fear.

People struggle with this when they are in fight or flight, sympathetic or beta brainwaves, freeze, procrastination, or fawn mode. That is why it is critical to decompress the sympathetic central nervous system and teach it to self-regulate, break out of disassociation mode, and then make cognitive sense of it all.

By shifting from a pain or victim mentality to one of healing and victory or abundance of blessings, your life will begin to stabilise.

After completing the steps listed above, you will have access to your higher self, holy spirit, intuition, and air traffic control to determine your life’s purpose and calling.

3. Meditation

To regain balance, listen to your inner voice. Otherwise, you may be in a state of freeze, numbness, or procrastination, causing your body to super push adrenaline or cortisol, which can lead to burnout, immune system crashes, and dreaded weight gain or stubborn belly fat.

Changing thought patterns with meditation:

When the body feels safe, it releases happy chemistry that has a rejuvenating effect on the body.

When the body feels insecure, threatened, or unsafe, it releases negative chemistry that affects the body.

Thoughts lead to emotions, which can result in physical pain. To relieve physical pain or negative emotions, you must shift your thinking patterns. This transforms brain chemistry, allowing the body and mind to feel safe again.

Your thoughts are the software (brain) that powers your hardware (body).

“If you believe you are right, you are right. If you believe you are wrong, you are also right.” – Anonymous

We offer powerful mantras to reprogram your subconscious mind and change your emotions, body, and reality within 21–90 days. Place them anywhere in your home, car, or workplace. Ask us directly, and we will share them with you.

4. Oxygen Therapy

When you are agitated or anxious, you are virtually always in hyperventilation mode and take shallow breaths. Modern technology and sedentary lives can lead to oxygen deficiency and malfunctioning cells, resulting in poor absorption of nutrients and fluids and inadequate toxin elimination.

Did you know you have an entirely new body every 7 years? What you put in your body today will determine who you are tomorrow. Oxygen treatment is a terrific way to revitalise your cells and eliminate toxins. We use the world’s greatest ozone sauna capsule to do this at Chi Chi’s.

5. Join a Recovery Support Group

You must take accountability for your role in the relationship’s breakdown or dissolution if you want to live in freedom. This is where you begin to grow and evolve into the best version of yourself. Having support definitely helps this process because you know you’re not alone, and you have people who can hold you up in those very dark moments, because no matter what, walking away from a relationship hurts, and there will be times when you feel like you can barely survive.

I joined a group for women who were dealing with similar struggles with their husbands as I was. For some, it may be Al Anon; for others, it may be a codependent or sex addicts group, but they all share a common goal: they work on the 12 steps and focus on transforming themselves and being accountable to others about their own bad habits and behaviours. When you shift your focus away from your spouse or coparent and begin working on being a better version of yourself, things begin to change. You witness distinct results and feel a freedom that cannot be explained.

6. Start Moving

The final piece of advice I received from a divorced man was that he regretted not starting physical activity sooner. Healing, in my experience, falls into three major categories that are inseparably connected. You must heal your spirit and soul, but a healthy body and gut are also required to complete the healing process.

Join a dance group or do whatever in-person exercise you are capable of. This will allow you to express your feelings in a secure setting, making you feel more energetic and positive about yourself.

Final Thoughts

You can do all of the above, regardless of how much you have procrastinated in the past. If you’re tired of survival mode, impostor syndrome, and failing relationships all around you, it’s time to try something different. Begin somewhere and transform your life so you may be proud of who you become.

I recommend starting with the Chi Chi’s 5-day retreat, which will cover all of the above to get you started. If you aren’t ready for that, start with one or two therapies at a time, such as TRE and oxygen therapy, and ask Debi or her highly competent and well-trained staff to guide you to your next step in holistic healing. Also, contact a counsellor, coach, or therapist to assist you with your healing process.

Your outer world is a reflection of your inner world. So stand up and change it, because nobody else will do it for you.

At Chichis, we help you find that balance—physically, mentally, emotionally, energetically, spiritually.

For accountability: This article was written by Johanita Jordaan in July 2024.

The post Divorce or Conscious Uncoupling: Part 2 appeared first on Chi Chi's.

While researching our topic, conscious uncoupling, I told Debi Rossouw, owner and founder of Chi Chi’s Wellness Retreats and MindSpa, that this was not my experience with divorce. Debi believes that while conscious uncoupling is ideal, most divorcees struggle to accomplish it.

This could be due to the fact that few people are not adequately informed about conscious uncoupling. Had I known about it, I would have taken this route.

I believe we do our best with the information we have, which is why educating you, our precious reader, is so important to us. We want to give you the tools and resources you need to navigate the complexities and challenges of life, including divorce, with as much grace and understanding as possible, allowing you to divorce with dignity and as little trauma as possible.

I’ll define conscious uncoupling in this article, offer some incredible therapies that are offered at our retreats and spa, and provide you with some tools and techniques to support you throughout the process of getting a separation or divorce—or even before you make your final decision.

My hope is to either help steer your marriage in a positive direction or, if not, to try divorce amicably, especially if you have minor children and to protect your mental health.

Please note that the below advice is not meant to replace your medical experts, psychologists, and psychiatrists, it’s simply an extra tool to use that will assist your journey of recovery and healing. It’s important to seek professional help and guidance during this difficult time.

What is conscious uncoupling?

Conscious uncoupling is a term used for a relatively amicable divorce. Gwyneth Paltrow popularised this term. Originally, the uncoupling theory was proposed by sociologist Diane Vaughan in 1976, but the term “conscious uncoupling” was created by psychotherapist and author Katherine Woodward Thomas.

Will conscious uncoupling prevent the pain of ending a relationship?

No, it will not, but it will assist in reducing emotional damage and trauma, especially if there are minor children involved.

Can you do conscious uncoupling with an addict or a person with a serious mental disorder?

Conscious uncoupling with an addict or a person with a serious mental disorder, is unlikely, but this would be the part where you would have to get a trained professional involved to assist.

You can learn more about Conscious Uncoupling here.

Advice from personal experience: Divorce with minor children

I divorced after nearly 13 years of marriage. There were two minor children involved, and I honestly would have done things differently if I had known what I know now. Debi and Chi Chi’s showed me things I had never considered.

The term that Katherine Woodward Thomas uses for her ex-husband is “wasband.” I quite like that. My “wasband” had his own trauma, hurts, and hangups that he brought into our relationship. The thing I would have done differently is to go for independent therapy and, after that, only pursue couple’s counselling.

However, we cannot change the past, so how will we navigate this complex co-parenting relationship going forward?  I’m going to sit my “wasband” down and explain conscious uncoupling to him. Maybe he wants that too, because no matter what went wrong between us, we both love our children dearly, and we both do want the best for them.

If he refuses to work with me, all I can do is continue to improve myself and be the best parent and co-parent I can be. We are truly powerless to change others; we can and should only focus on growing ourselves.

A word of warning: The worst divorce advice ever

Before divorce and separation, I wrestled with whether I should stay or go. I kept looking at my then husband’s mistakes and irritations but didn’t give much attention to my own shortcomings, especially because I wasn’t the one who cheated.

After months of wrestling and becoming more negative, I went to seek counsel from a relationship coach, slash pastor, slash mediator. He said, “Marriage is hard, divorce is hard. Choose your hard.” Seriously, that was his answer, and I believed him. Honestly, that’s the worst advice anyone can ever give.

Let me provide some context, and then I will show you a better way, especially if you’re considering divorce when you have young children.

You see, what I’ve learned is that if you have young children and your husband isn’t physically, mentally or emotionally abusing you or has a sex addiction, or vice versa; if the children aren’t in danger, and if no one is actually in danger, divorce is more difficult than marriage.

Why? Because your divorce will not resolve your arguments or lack of intimacy.  It will not resolve the issues. If anything, it will escalate it, and you must continue to learn to respect one another, communicate effectively, and resolve conflicts amicably for the sake of the children, so that the aftermath of divorce conflict does not have a greater negative impact on them than marriage conflict. In addition, you must do all of this while seeing your children far less, being allowed to see other people, and not living under the same roof for additional support and protection of your children. Perhaps it is best not to seek advice from people who have never divorced. (Please note this is my opinion as a writer, divorcee and coparent, I’m not a qualified therapist)

So let me step up for those misinformed-quoting-a-facebook-post counsellors, coaches, pastors, elders, etc. Mariage is hard. Divorce is harder when you have young children and need to communicate and see one another regularly. Work harder on your marriage. The benefits will be greater for your children, your spouse, and, ultimately, yourself, but what if that is not an option? The answer is the same whether or not you are married: you must work on resolving your own bad habits and behaviour patterns. To be honest, we all have flaws; I’ve never met a perfect human.

Better relationship advice:

My eyes were opened days after I separated from my ex-husband. I moved out and came to the realisation of two major things:

1. I just halved the time I have with my children.
2. I am also to blame.

I had one choice, and that was to make the best of a bad situation. Debi played a vital role in me moving forward and dealing with my grief, as well as trauma triggers, and possibly the hardest emotional journey I ever endeavoured.

So, the good advice is this:

Work on yourself, regardless of whether you are still married. You have no control over anyone else’s behaviour, so you must prioritise your own personal development. As cliche as it may sound, the healthier you are, the better you will be able to love those around you and care for your children.

In part 2 we provide self-care techniques to help you grow and we cover the following topics:

1. Trauma Release Exercises and EMI Eye Movement Integration
2. Mindfulness and Breath Work:
3. Meditation
4. Oxygen therapy
5. Join a Recovery Support Group
6. Start Moving

At Chichis, we help you find that balance—physically, mentally, emotionally, energetically, spiritually.

Read Part 2 of Divorce of Conscious Uncoupling here.

For accountability: This article was written by Johanita Jordaan in July 2024.

The post Divorce or Conscious Uncoupling: Part 1 appeared first on Chi Chi's.